Some people are fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for. Why Your Team Sucks 2. Detroit Lions. Some people are fans of the Detroit Lions. The official PlayStationStore Buy the latest PlayStation games, movies and TV shows for your PS4, PS3 and PS Vita. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Detroit Lions. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team Detroit Lions. Butthole is always on the menu. CosplayFU. com offers customsize anime cosplay costumes, wigs, props and accessories. Customer support. Free shipping worldwide. The Berserk manga and anime series features a cast of characters designed by Kentaro Miura. The series takes place in a dark fantasy setting based on medieval Europe. Some people are fans of the Detroit Lions. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Detroit Lions. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the. Buy Berserk: The Golden Age Arc 3 - Descent Movie ' title='Buy Berserk: The Golden Age Arc 3 - Descent Movie ' />Only NFC team to never go to the Super Bowl, folks. Your 2. 01. 6 record 9 7. The best part was when they started 9 4 and then EVERYONE looked at the remaining schedule Giants, Cowboys, Packers and instinctively knew they were gonna lose out and blow the division to a Packers team that was two games behind with three games left. And so they did. Most predictable Lions thing to ever happen. They also lost to Tennessee in a game where they had three touchdowns called back by penalties. That is the SECOND most predictable Lions thing to ever happen. They played a Wild Card game against Seattle try to remember a single thing about it and had to send their QB out onto the field with a dislocated finger. He went 1. 8 3. 2 for 2. TDs and they lost 2. Tell me you guys wouldnt rather smash drives in the Silverdome ruins than watch this team flail around for 1. Sundays a year. Your coach Jim Caldwell, whose. Lions head coach in modern NFL history. Its true. Your greatest coach in the Super Bowl era is your uncle who spends all day fishing The best part is that virtually every Lions fan will refuse to give Caldwell credit for anything and heap it all upon Jim Bob Cooter instead. One more 9 7 season and theyll probably build a Cooter statue outside Ford Field. Your quarterback Matt Stafford. By the end of every season, Matt Stafford is playing with half a frontal lobe and two bones sticking out of his finger. And because the NFL is cruel, they play the Packers in Week 1. Amazing. That fat bastard will chuck 5. Im very excited for a somber profile of Stafford 3. My Life Is Hell, as told to S. L. Price. Whats new that sucks Your uniformsI am so, so tired of this. You listen to me, professional sports team brand managers of the world Unless the colors andor the logo are new, the uniforms are not. You dont get to have a Seventh Avenue runway party just because you added piping to the jerseys. See now, this Now THAT is a redesign. I swear Kid Rock could win that states Senate seat by 2. On the field, the team stole T. J. Lang away from the hated Packers to replace departed guard Larry Warford. By law, any free agent signed from New England, Green Bay, or Pittsburgh will immediately turn to shit playing for any other team. Join us in Week 6 when Lang breaks both ankles in a golf cart mishap. Bob Quinn also shrewdly acquired a bunch of other teams draft busts, including tackle Greg Robinson to replace the injured Taylor Decker, whom they really needed, along with cornerback D. J. Hayden, who needs an Iron Mans arc reactor implanted in his chest just to keep from dropping dead on the field. What has always sucked You already know by now. Detroit is the place where legends retire quietly and without warning. And its only after the appropriate amount of time has passed that the obvious comes to light I didnt see a chance for them to win a Super Bowl at the time, Johnson said. For the work I was putting in, it wasnt worth my time, to keep on beating my head up against the wall, and not go anywhere Its the definition of insanity Thats everybodys goal, when they come to the league, is to win a Super Bowl. Thats the ultimate goal. I wanted to win it, and like I said, I just didnt see that opportunity with the Lions. Keep in mind that the Lions went to the playoffs in 2. I know thats not much, but that 2. Lions had won 1. 0 or more games in 1. This Caldwell era represents the most successful run of Lions football this century, which is just God, thats so sad. Megatron knew it was all a ruse anyway. Even with Stafford aboardby no means the greatest QB ever, but an astronomical upgrade over the parade of cave dwellers this team started during the 1. Megatron was like, This is fucking hopeless. Even when the Lions are good, theyre still lightyears away from being good enough. None of the other teams in their division consider them a rival because they mostly just feel bad for them. Their ceiling will forever be a wild card road game that will end in a blowout. You need to be 9. I just didnt feel like I was treated the way I should have been treated on the way out. For real, how does this team to manage to alienate its two greatest players The Ford family must be about as charming as a bag of brown recluse spiders. What a goddamn disaster. As for you, Michigan, you are a national disgrace. Your governor is still dumping urea into the Flint water supply and belongs in supermax prison. Your legacy of white musicians is downright criminal. Your chili dogs make Skyline look like Eleven Madison Park. Somehow the most prominent sports owner in Detroit is the moron who owns the Cleveland Cavaliers. The state is eternally terrified of Mexicans taking jobs that already vanished 4. Michigan is a hollowed out ore mine. Did you know Buzz Lightyear has questions. What might not suck Zach Zenner is wayyyy better at not football stuff than football. Amazing. You guys went through the whole alphabet of running backs from Ameer Abdullah to Zach Zenner and none were good. HEAR IT FROM LIONS FANS Richard I am not old enough to remember a single playoff victory. Pete Fuck this team. Randy We once lost a game because our defensive tackle missed the game tying extra point. Jesus, I cant believe thats a true sentence. Jim Between Calvin Johnson and Barry Sanders, our best player was Jason Hanson. He was a kicker. Patrick Why would a team based in the Midwest choose Honolulu Blue as a primary team color Why Garrison Catch me drowning my sorrows in hard vodka by 1 2. Sundays this season. Jake The transmission for my 2. Ford Focus, along with transmissions for all Focus models from 2. Yes, five years worth of automatic transmissionsa technology thats been around for more than a centuryhad to be recalled. So is anyone surprised the Ford family doesnt know how the hell to run a football team Jamie There have been only two stretches in the Super Bowl era when theyve had consecutive winning seasons. Trey The bar has been set so low for this franchise that last season they honored the 1. NFC championship game, with a ceremony and a fucking banner. Joe Their best defensive player and probably best human being, who had struggled with injury for two seasons, was cleared by the teams doctors the day before he was cut just so they could fuck him out of some guaranteed money. It doesnt take an orthopedic surgeon to guess that he probably wasnt healthy enough to play when those same doctors cleared him a couple months after his surgery, just in time to be a non factor during the teams usual late season meltdown, and it doesnt take a Belichick scion to guess what the management had in mind at that time. You know what else is a family owned franchise North Korea. Ryan The Lions have ruined two of the greatest offensive players in the history of the game to the point where theyd rather not play than continue to lose. They then managed to ask for their money back. Chris Following the Lions allows you to understand your place in the universe. You are irrelevant. The management doesnt care what you think and the team will never matter to the league. NFC championship history. Brittany Fun Fact Stafford is 5 4. Ed note Holy crap. There are only two types of Lions fans. The type who absolutely know the Lions are destined to be the 2nd worst bunch of fuck ups in the league for eternity sorry, Cleveland. The other type of Lions fans are the eternally delusional optimistic type. These people should be shot. Pete The team has never been to the Super Bowl. Once more, the closest the team ever got was losing by more than four touchdowns during the 1. Why Your Team Sucks 2. Jacksonville Jaguars. Some people are fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team Jacksonville Jaguars. Your 2. 01. 6 record 3 1. Here now is a full summary of your season The Jaguars have lost 1. At least when Cleveland loses, they go all out. By contrast, the Jaguars put on a cheap sheen of continuity and professionalism that renders them forgettable even when theyre steadily smashing records for hideous incompetence. Gus Bradley was 1. The Full Monster Road Movie on this page. Jags finally, mercifully let him go. In Jacksonville, they dont fire you so much as grudgingly admit that they never should have hired you to begin with. That. 2. 26 winning percentage makes Bradley the second worst coach in NFL history. Thats the Jaguars for you never quite bold enough to be the absolute worst. It goes on. The return unit got owned by a punter. The teams best young defender got owned by Steve Smith. The Titans, their spiritual Thursday Night Football brothers, crushed them on national TV and have an actual future. Oh, and the Steal the show lady Turned out she was homeless. Is there nothing this area of the country cannot make horribly sad Your coach Oh look Its WIDELY RESPECTED mall dad Doug MarroneYou probably remember Marrone, seen here formulating a game plan, from the time he quit the Bills thanks to a strange contract clause that let him collect 4 million even if he opted out. Marrone was banking on getting another head job right away only to quickly discover that a coach with a 1. Lucky for you Jags fans, the franchisewait for itpounced on Marrone BOOM, gave him a piddly shit job coaching the line for an awful team, and then promoted him when they couldnt find anyone better to hire. Buffalos loss is now your future lossCongrats You should hope the Jags play as hard as Marrone played himself. Anyway, this is the exact kind of uninspiring, bland hire the world counts on from Jacksonville. They are the Democratic party of football, trotting out one respectable loser after another. The only time they make a splash is when one of their fans grabs his nuts in the stadium pool. HOWEVER, they did make one notable hire after anointing Marrone permanent interim head coach Ford Crown Victoria door flies open OHHHHHH SHIT YEAH HES BACKYes folks, the glory days of the Tom Coughlin era are here once more. Early meeting times Hands on hips Yelling Red cheeks Players forced to play through horrible injuries Training tables with two different kinds of All Bran Its all here. Now instead of going 3 1. Jags will go 4 1. EXHAUSTED by the end of it. The old man has already gotten in trouble for pulling his whole Youre late if you arent early horseshit, so thats a promising sign Coughlin will be in charge of overseeing i. I say by Week 4, he storms down to the field, rips off Marrones headset, and forces him to do 5. DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE. Your quarterback Ageful wonder Blake Bortles. Lets see how those mechanics are going Fantastic. This was the year for Jacksonville to bail on the Great Bortles Experiment. But noooooooooo. No, these guys decided to fuck this chicken yet again and roll out with a quarterback who looks exactly like Tom Coughlins LAST Jags quarterback does right now. The Vatican moves with more swiftness than this team. Look how old Bortles is. Even Lorde is like JESUS THAT GUY IS LYING ABOUT HIS AGE. But the disturbing oldness of Bortles is arguably his least alarming quality This play is hardly an anomaly. I can put on a game tape, close my eyes, hit STOP at any random interval, and still land on footage of Bortles being a basket case on the field. Its astounding. To say Bortles regressed last season is an insult to other things that have regressed, like Twitter, and rock music, and the United States of America. Bortles went BEYOND regressing and found a new and wondrous crevasse to fall through. His TD total fell dramatically. His yards per attempt fell dramatically. Do you want to know the most disturbing part He was sacked 1. STILL worse. And hes not even finished cratering, given that hes spent these early practices doing his best Ryan Fitzpatrick impression. This is why theres still a hidden subset of Duval holding onto hope that the Jags will sign Tebow as a franchise QB in like 2. So are we, Bort. So are we. Whats new that sucks Youre not gonna believe this, but the Jags signed a lot of free agents Shocking, I know. This years Golden Parachute recipients included Barry Church, A. J. Bouye, and tackle Branden Albert. Will any of these men make a difference LOL FUCK AND NO. Albert retired YESTERDAY. One look at Jags training camp and he was like, Well this is hopeless. Im not sure any Jags free agent has actually ever ended up playing a down. I just assume that whenever the Jags sign a free agent, they lock them in a sewer dungeon la Melissa Leo in that Prisoners movie. It doesnt matter if the Jags bring in a slew of free agents annually free agents always come in slews. They will vanish. Its magic. Also, they drafted Leonard Fournette, which would have been a crazy awesome thing to do exactly one year earlier. Now its like they drafted Greg Jones II. What has always sucked Dave Caldwell is still here How the fuck do you let Gus Bradley go but keep the architect in charge of all this futility They brought in Tom Coughlin but somehow forgot to can this guy What the fuck I swear to God, Shad Khans appendix could burst and it would take him eight weeks to visit the hospital. This is why the Jags will always be the official team of Thursday nights. They keep around the same leadership to hand out the same wasted money to field the same shitty product year after year for a bunch of hot tub yahoos who are too loaded to give a shit either way. Did you know By area, Jacksonville is the largest city in the United States. I live in Maryland. But technically, I ALSO live in Jacksonville. Im not happy about it. What might not suck At least you wont lose any fights to a Bears fan. HEAR IT FROM JAGS FANS Noel I almost rear ended the car in front of me when my eyes rolled into my head after hearing a local sports radio host say, Im THRILLED the Jags are going to get to practice with the Patriots up in Foxboro this offseason. The young guys, the veterans, theyre all going to get so much out of that. Not every team gets that kind of opportunity. There are few things more sad to me each and every single off season than when the first Jacksonville sports radio host utters one of the following kisses of death I know I said this last year, but Im telling you, I really like our chances this year Im looking at this schedule and I dont see how we win less than 8 games this season The Texans are really the only team in this division weve gotta worry about I love what Ive been hearing about insert shitty quarterbacks off season workouts and training With insert returning player guaranteed to underwhelm back from injury this season, were going to see a lot of improvement on offensedefense And then, unique to this year With Tom Coughlin back, theres just a new energy in the locker room and front office that WILL make it onto the fieldDel The goodwill afforded to our cool owner is largely dependent on an extremely sweet hairstylemustache combo. Outside of personal style he has shown incredibly suspect judgment. Its bad enough to wait until Week 1. Jaguars word in the history of the modern NFL after everyone knew he should have been canned in the previous offseason. No, that is fucking Oliver Wendell Holmes judgment compared to the fact that our owner is a foreign born Muslim American who supported Trump, then was SURPRISED that Trump actually meant all that shit about banning Muslims.